Should I care about the rolling of eyes, the judgment and the negative reactions to my blogging or do I boldly post regardless of who is watching.

I feel like a bad mom most of the time. There I've said it. I don't think I do enough for my family or my home, the thought that we have too many kids often enters my mind and my feelings of angst came to a heightened level today. I am so tired of feeling this way. Whether it be self pity, self doubt, or a lack of self worth, there is simply no more room in my life for these thoughts.

I have major varicose veins. They throb and because I actually don't care who reads this, I am boldly saying that they go ALLLLL the way up and that because of where they are, I cannot have a home birth. The stockings do not work for me because of the way that my legs were built so other means of making sure I don't have blood rushing to my ankles all the time have to come into play. I have put myself on, feet up rest which is better than a doctor telling me to be on bedrest...or so I thought.

I hate this fact: If I am working I can get everyone in this house to work, but the minute I sit down, I watch each member slack off and stop working. I hate that I feel the following way about it: "Fine, watch what happens, I will go into preterm labour" The first flaw in that thought is, the self part of it. How unfair is that to Paige! What a bad mom for thinking that. Is this some form of attention getting behaviour that I forgot to deal with!? The jealousy around me is huge these days but this is the topper...how dare I take what God has given me and say that it's not good enough. How dare I?!

Why do I feel these ways, what brought this on, oh crazy Jen, here we go again, I can hear every comment from every time of life filtering in even while I write this.

An argument broke out with Hope and I. (I hear the words already about "oh just wait" I can't stand those comments anymore) She was negotiating and I was getting away from it. Somehow Jack got sprayed in the eyes with Lysol cleaner. Kevin flushed his eyes out at the sink, while he was screaming, at the same time as a ride that she could no longer take showed up OF COURSE while alllll of the screaming is happening out the bathroom window that I am sure EVERYONE could hear. It was a lady and her daughter, the mother is not very nice and Hope refused to answer the door to tell her friend that she couldn't go. I should have gone, but I was dealing with a screamy Jack and making sure that the rest of the kids were out of trouble. So where does that bring me? Okay crisis over, Jack is fine.

I decide that I want curry and go to the store to get the supplies and come home around 930. I cook the curry and get it all going while trying to get sam to get to bed. I am serving myself my dinner (again stupid me for not eating) at 1130 and guess what... Sam screams the scream that a momma doesn't want to hear and after realizing that he's swallowed a penny, he starts to gag. I grabbed the phone to have 911 on while I accessed him. He finally calmed down and I took him to the hospital as per the person's recommendation. Fine, hospital, I do that a lot, in fact I was there 20 weeks ago with Jack and his slit thumb that happened becuase I was/am lazy and don't clean my house properly. So fine then we get in, we get accessed, around 230am we get an xray showing that there is indeed a penny in his stomache, we see the dr at 330 who gives me the come back if line and the come back monday to get another xray done thingy and we are discharged by 4am. I recalled a previous post of Carole's about being thankful for the free hosipital stuff so I don't complain about that.

I walk out to the car, which is parked on a hill, only to find out that YEP! I didn't have enough gas to start the freaking thing. So I try to phone home AGAIN...(I had tried earlier a few times) and guess what... no phone at the bedside.... I don't even want to get started on the feelings I have over that (mostly just the how come you don't care enough....) I stopped at McPukes to get a muffin beause oh lets cound the sum total of 24 hours eating, cereal, coffee, ham sandwich, jellybelly's, water, tang, and oh right at 430am a mcpukes muffin.......

Really, honestly and seriously, these things happen to me, I don't make this stuff up... but why do the normal life for a mother of 6 things have to carry with them the crappy feelings alongside........... I want to say that I hate my life, but actually it's not all that bad. I can see the other side of it, and bottom line is I have Jesus to get me through. I know harder times are coming, trials, more teenager BS, more old childhood things to work through... but sometimes, I just want to be happy, honestly and truly happy without all the fake it till I make it crap........... what do I have to be unhappy about really.............. there the real raw me.........I am tired of beating myself up, so if you are going to tease me, don't......I can't handle it

Sometimes a song hits me...just a few hours ago this one did...

Please understand that I am a Christian and that the very heart of my belief structure is based on forgiveness. I am a forgiving person for the most part, but this sums up how I feel about a specific thing in my life. Do not be alarmed for the words sum up how I feel, but are not necessarily the whole of how I feel because I have forgiven yet moved on....and

Dixie Chicks
Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

the green monster

I don't even want to justify the green monster
it needs to leave the vacinity,
I am a child of God and a Princess of His courts,
the green monster is not welcome in my world
get out!
I don't just feel this way because I am pregnant,
I don't want that to be the excuse,
it's just an overwhelming thought that
with Jesus I can and WILL overcome,
but at 33 I would have thought that this
ONE
thing would just be gone!
green monster....go!